Today was difficult

I reached a breaking point today. I don't no quite what triggered it but I had it was difficult to keep myself together just getting to my room. Thoughts of suicide and difficulty danced with daggers in my head. I tried to keep a stiff upper lip but being alone leaves a lot of room in your head, too much room. I battles to the best of my ability but it was winning out and I had to resort to sleep, which was difficult. I'm better now but the quick wave is something I need to be afraid and aware of. Only time will tell.

I so dumb

I do many dumb things.
I lie. I cheat. I fumble.

It's kind of weird. Part of having no friends means 90% of my thoughts are self-inspection. I constantly reminded of over 100 things I do wrong from posture to looks to ideologies but I still know there is something else or else I wouldn't be alone and by myself. Am I too loud, too quiet, too selfish, too awful, WHAT IS IT! I've considered non-person companionship but my ability to make a physical persona is weak.Maybe writing out and documenting thoughts will help.